You’ve probably heard that loneliness is an epidemic. Research shows that being lonely can contribute to depression, anxiety, physical illness, and further social isolation. It has been cited as a major health concern, with one out of four older adults worldwide reporting feelings of loneliness. I knew this, but it wasn’t until recently that I felt it myself.

During the pandemic, many of us became accustomed to being alone in our homes and adjusted to limited social interaction — because we had no choice. For some, this adjustment quietly became an unhealthy habit that deepened loneliness over time. As a psychotherapist, coping with isolation and aloneness became one of the main reasons clients sought support starting in 2020, and it remains a common concern today.

“As a psychotherapist, coping with isolation and aloneness became one of the main reasons clients sought support starting in 2020, and it remains a common concern today.”

It wasn’t until a couple of months after I lost my dog this past summer that I experienced heavy bouts of loneliness myself — a deep, aching longing for connection that felt unobtainable.

I began to see how many of my emotional needs had been met by his presence and by caring for him. His loss revealed an unmet desire for a deeper connection, one I ultimately wanted to have fulfilled by another person, or people. As much as I loved my dog and plan to have another someday, I realized I was ready for a level of connection that even a beloved pet could not provide. Before trying to “fix” my loneliness, I wanted to truly understand it.

What is loneliness, exactly?

Surprisingly, loneliness isn’t actually a feeling. The emotional suffering associated with it comes from the meaning we attach to the awareness that we want more closeness than we currently have.

Loneliness is…

Awareness: I don’t have the intimacy I want right now

Story: No one else seems to want this; something is wrong with me for wanting it

Feeling: Sadness

Loneliness can also be described as a longing for something we don’t have. Some people experience anticipatory loneliness — a fear of being lonely in the future. Importantly, loneliness is not always caused by being alone. Being surrounded by people we don’t feel connected to can feel far lonelier than spending time by ourselves.

Unfortunately, loneliness and the emotions associated with it often carry a negative stigma that leaves people feeling ashamed or defective. Research shows that people with negative beliefs about being alone experience increased loneliness after spending time alone. Feeling sad about not having something you deeply desire is actually a normal, human response.

“Loneliness and the emotions associated with it often carry a negative stigma that leaves people feeling ashamed or defective.”

From a spiritual perspective, loneliness can be seen as an appropriate reaction to a deep-seated longing — something we crave because we have already known it in some form. Some spiritual traditions believe that before incarnating into physical bodies, our souls exist communally, like droplets of water in a vast sea, where we feel whole, complete, and loved. In human form, we experience separation and limitation. From this lens, loneliness is a natural craving for a sense of unity we have already tasted, one that is harder to access in physical life.

Being alone vs. feeling lonely

Being alone and feeling lonely are not the same thing. You can be alone without feeling lonely. Solitude often feels peaceful, while loneliness feels distressing. 

“You can be alone without feeling lonely. Solitude often feels peaceful, while loneliness feels distressing.”

A research study using MRIs found distinct differences in how lonely and non-lonely people experience the world. People who do not feel lonely tend to perceive the world similarly to one another, while those who feel lonely perceive it in markedly different ways — not only from non-lonely individuals, but even from other lonely people. This difference in perception can itself be a risk factor for chronic loneliness.

Some people experience loneliness unconsciously and cope by staying constantly busy or numbing themselves with alcohol, food, television, or work. While distraction can temporarily reduce discomfort, it does not address the underlying longing. When the busyness fades, the loneliness often returns.

When loneliness becomes unhealthy

Loneliness can worsen when we abandon ourselves in the pursuit of connection. Staying in relationships that drain us because we fear being alone, accepting crumbs of attention, or staying where we don’t feel valued can deepen loneliness rather than relieve it.

“Loneliness can worsen when we abandon ourselves in the pursuit of connection.”

Healing loneliness isn’t always about more connection — it’s often about healthier connection. Sometimes this means tolerating short-term loneliness while making space for relationships that are more aligned, reciprocal, and nourishing.

Loneliness doesn’t mean you should accept less than you deserve.

Why Valentine’s Day and other holidays magnify loneliness

As a culture, romantic connections are highly elevated when we turn the corner into February. Advertising, public displays of togetherness, and bouquets being delivered to office buildings and doorsteps can subtly frame being partnered as a marker of happiness or personal worth. 

For individuals who are single, grieving a relationship, experiencing emotional disconnection within a partnership, or desiring deeper intimacy, this emphasis can heighten awareness of unmet relational needs. Valentine’s Day does not cause loneliness; rather, it can intensify existing interpretations about one’s circumstances and perceived lack of connection. 

“These occasions create implicit expectations about how you should feel and with whom you should be spending time.”

Holidays such as Valentine’s Day, as well as events like birthdays, anniversaries, and family-centered celebrations, often intensify loneliness. These occasions create implicit expectations about how you should feel and with whom you should be spending time. 

When lived experience doesn’t align with these expectations, self-judgment can emerge — about your choices, your relationships, or where you are in life. Sadness often follows. If loneliness feels heavier this Valentine’s Day, it is not a personal failure; it is a deeply human response to being reminded of something that matters to you.

What can you do about your loneliness?

One of the biggest challenges with loneliness is that it often requires action to resolve — and people who experience chronic loneliness frequently feel too depleted or hopeless to take those steps. The first and most important step is curiosity about your loneliness.

Question what your loneliness is about

People feel lonely for many different reasons. Before trying to fix it, it’s essential to understand where your loneliness is coming from, what you are truly longing for, and what you are making it mean about yourself. Efforts to heal loneliness are far less effective when we are carrying unexamined, irrational beliefs about who we are.

Ask yourself:

What am I craving that I don’t have right now? What is the core desire? What kind of connection am I slowly becoming ready for?

Common desires underlying loneliness include:

  • To be seen or witnessed
  • To know you matter
  • To belong
  • To feel special
  • To be chosen
  • To be included
  • To experience more joy

What are you making it mean about yourself?

Because this desire isn’t being met, you might conclude that you are:

  • Defective
  • Not good enough
  • Unlovable
  • Not meant for this world
  • Someone who “can’t get it right”

Set an intention to release these beliefs

When we attach negative meaning to our desire for connection, we become less motivated and less able to change our circumstances. Your feelings are a normal response to how you are interpreting a situation — but that doesn’t mean your interpretation is true.

“Your feelings are a normal response to how you are interpreting a situation — but that doesn’t mean your interpretation is true.”

You are not defective because the connection you want isn’t available right now. You are not alone in this experience. Someone else is feeling exactly what you are feeling and hoping to meet someone — just like you.

If challenging these beliefs feels overwhelming, seeking professional support can be helpful.

Moving from loneliness to connection

Once you begin loosening the meaning attached to your loneliness, you’ll have more energy to take steps toward co-creating a life with the connection you desire.

Helpful practices include:

  1. Stop comparing yourself to others. Comparison is a no-win game. No one’s life is as perfect as it appears online. Instead of torturing yourself with social media, use it as the opposite: Inspiration. What do I want more of in my own life, and what’s one small step toward that?
  1. Don’t take others’ responses personally. If someone doesn’t respond to your invitation, they may not be part of your tribe — or not part of it right now. Give them the dignity of being on their own path and ask someone else.
  1. Take small daily actions. The universe meets us at the point of action. Reach out to someone you’ve lost touch with or met briefly but enjoyed. Send a simple message with no expectations. You are only responsible for your 50% in any relationship.
  1. Appreciate the connections you already have. If you have even one person who would answer the phone in the middle of the night, you are fortunate. Nourish those relationships and stay in touch with those around you in whatever way works for you. Gravitate toward friends who want to show up.
  1. Build your capacity to enjoy your own company. If you can’t tolerate being alone with your thoughts and feelings, this is one of the most painful forms of loneliness. Valuing yourself makes it easier to accept connection from others.
  1. Spend time in nature. Nature soothes loneliness and fosters a sense of belonging and wonder.
  1. Say yes — especially when you want to say no. Many people are grateful they participated even when they didn’t feel like it at first.
  1. Practice self-compassion. Criticizing yourself when you’re already down often leads to paralysis, anxiety, or depression. Emotionally healthy people respond to sadness with kindness.
  1. Know your value. When you doubt your likability, write down five qualities you bring to friendships and community. If this feels difficult, ask a trusted friend for help.
  1. Choose reciprocal connections. Seek relationships that expand, not drain you. If interactions consistently leave you feeling diminished or unable to be yourself, it may be a sign you’re outgrowing the relationship.

Loneliness isn’t always about more connection

Human connection is vital — but meaningful engagement with life and feeling like you have a purpose can soften loneliness by expanding our sense of belonging beyond relationships alone.

Creativity, spirituality, service, learning, contribution, and nature can all provide connection — to yourself and to life itself. These experiences reduce the pressure placed on our relationships to meet every emotional need.

As I worked through my own loneliness, I set an intention to stay open to what I couldn’t yet imagine. In that process, I formed a deep friendship with someone who wasn’t even in my life just a few years ago. We both agree that simply knowing the other exists, just a text or phone call away, has quieted lonely thoughts.

“Loneliness is not a personal failure — it is a signal. It points to a deep, human longing for connection, belonging, and meaning.”

Loneliness is not a personal failure — it is a signal. It points to a deep, human longing for connection, belonging, and meaning.

Healing is not about eliminating loneliness forever — it’s about responding to it differently when it arises. Each time you meet it with curiosity, compassion, and courage, you create more capacity to make changes.

By understanding what we truly desire, challenging the stories we tell ourselves, and taking small, compassionate steps toward connection, loneliness can become not an enemy, but a guide — leading us inward and toward the relationships we are meant to have.

Rebecca Hendrix, LMFT is a Manhattan-based licensed integrative holistic psychotherapist. She specializes in relationship issues, depression, anxiety, grief, and spiritual growth. You can find her on Instagram or learn more on her website.